Let It Go

This blog has been neglected for months. 

Yesterday I found a post I'd written at the end of September that had been in limbo.  It's now posted and back-dated to when it was originally supposed to be posted. I also posted a bunch of iPhone photos from the last 3 months as a rundown of what we've been up to lately in another post. 

Truthfully though, it's not just that I've had blog posts end up in limbo why the blog has been neglected. This blog has started to feel less and less like a place where I can be my authentic self. 

It all started back in February when I announced to my family and friends over my blog that I had left Mormonism. At that time I felt like my blog was the easiest way to reach everyone. I had no idea about the fine print in BYU's honor code at the time. This was pertinent because I was just starting my final online class to receive my BYU degree. Two months after I published my post, "Something I need everyone to know," the local LDS bishop contacted me and Darren and wanted to pay us a visit. Ironically, just a week prior to this I had found out about the fine print in the honor code and knew I was in a precarious situation with BYU. The only thing that could really stand between me and my degree was this man, the local bishop. Long story short, I needed to try and lay low for a while. I made my blog private and deleted my blog post from February. I avoided talking about my disaffiliation with Mormonism and silently dealt with the grim possibility that all of my years of work towards my degree could be taken from me at any moment. When I last blogged in July, I was still dealing with the possibility of not getting my degree. 

Once my degree came in the mail I felt a huge sigh of relief sweep over my whole body. I had earned my college education, and it could have been taken from me just because in BYU's eyes I had committed a "thought crime." 

After all of this happened, and spending months not being able to talk about it, I just realized that this blog wasn't a place where I could let my voice be heard anymore. I realized that along with trying to keep quiet about Mormonism, I was starting to feel like my audience here isn't really interested in who I really am anymore. 

This year I have become keenly aware of who my true friends are. With the exception of one, maybe two, I have lost all of the friends I made here in Austin through the LDS church. I now realize that in so many ways I didn't know myself how to be a true friend. I'm not too hurt that I lost so many "friends," because I understand--I used to be just like them. 

There's so much I've wanted to say on my blog over the last year, but I just felt that I couldn't. This New Year is going to be different. My personal credo this year is, "Let it Go." If you haven't seen Disney's Frozen, I highly recommend it. The lyrics to the following song speak to me and beautifully express the feelings in my heart.

Let It Go

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation
And it looks like I'm the queen

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I'm free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry
Here I stand and here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on
The cold never bothered me anyway

 2013 was a year I will not soon forget. I learned and felt so much. I faced my fears and conquered things that I didn't know I could. I look forward to this New Year. I am going to unapologetically be my authentic self. No more hiding who I am. I am happy and loving life and doing those things that bring me happiness. 

I'm not sure yet about the future of this blog. I'm toying with the idea of using my Flickr account for posting pictures and abandoning this blog. I'm in the process of creating a new blog; a place that feels like a home to my thoughts, a safe place for me to be my authentic self. I'm hoping to have it up and running by the end of the week. I will post a link to my new blog here once I have it up, and you can read my thoughts over there should you choose. 

Happy New Year to anyone reading this post! I wish you well and hope 2014 is good to you.

P.S. The blog post I deleted in February has been reposted, and this blog is no longer private.